Alzheimer’s and Relationships

The last coherent words my beloved grandfather said to me: “It’s hell to get old, Lori.”  This single sentence came as a gift, as out of the haze of Alzheimer’s he communicated to me one last time.  He had been confined to his bed in the nursing home for months, and he didn’t have long to live.  I had held a vigil, hoping, praying for peace and closure, and I had gotten it!  His blue eyes had locked onto my green eyes, and he felt compelled to share one final bit of wisdom.

This doesn’t happen for everyone who takes care of a loved one with Alzheimer’s.  Sometimes, the last true sense of recognition occurs months or years before the loved one finally succumbs to the disease.  This fact can cause plenty of problems.  Of course a son or daughter may feel hurt that mom doesn’t recognize him or her anymore.  And in some cases, patients will even become aggressive.  Imagine a formerly docile dad screaming at his family for turning on and off an imaginary light.

Sometimes, the situation becomes so hard to deal with that the patient’s family may bail totally.  They may rationalize that since the person doesn’t know them, that they won’t be missed anyway.  This couldn’t be further from the truth. I believe those with Alzheimer’s should not be shunned.

Instead of giving up on the relationship, it helps to accept what is going on, then deal with it proactively.  First and foremost, don’t try to do everything for your loved one, as you will just end up resenting him or her.  Research all sources available to assist you.  Respite will allow time for recharging.  And when the patient can no longer tend to daily needs, such as toileting, think seriously about placing him or her in an adult day care or an Alzheimer’s facility.

Secondly, accept that fact that your loved one did not choose to take on this debilitating disease.  They did not want to withdraw from you.  If your mom or dad, husband or wife could come back to you now, they would do it in a heartbeat.  No one wants to be lost in dementia.

In addition, talk to your loved one’s health care providers to learn more about the disease and how it is specifically affecting him or her.  In some cases, patients will continue to live productive lives for many years, with only episodes of forgetfulness.  My grandfather was one of those people.  He might forget the way home from the store, but he could still recite the Cubs’ record for the past 10 years!

Finally, remain hopeful.  I am.  In the years since my grandpa died, scientists developed medicines to slow the progression of this disease.  Options for care have improved. Support abounds.  It is true that a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s will change a relationship, but remember, the relationship need not end.

I am getting older now, and it is hell sometimes, but I can’t help but smile when I think of my grandpa sharing that truism with me.

(Photo courtesy of Sanja Gjenero)

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