Grief and Relationships

Recently, my mom passed away after a 19 year battle with cancer. As you already know, when the death of a parent occurs, no matter what age you are, it hits hard; however; even when a person may feel like hiding away from the world, it’s just not possible. Life goes on. Hope always remains.

I am not a grief counselor, but I have lived long enough to lose several significant people in my life. Because of that, I’d like to give a few tips on how to cope with grief in a way that won’t negatively affect those relationships you still have.

1.  As hard as it might be, don’t wallow in grief for so long that you push away those around you.  Of course you are going to hurt, and you do need time, but make a plan to get back to living sooner rather than later.  For instance, I knew a woman whose mother passed away at the age of 80.  My friend felt abandoned, and proceeded to clean out her mother’s house with her sister.  Problem was, she took over a year of spending every weekend there to do the job.  The pair reminisced about every item, so much so, that the husband left behind at home night after night felt neglected.  Unfortunately, the marriage dissolved.

2.  Let others grieve how they need to grieve.  In some families, people cry as an expression of sadness, yet others act more stoic. Even within individual family’s one person may need alone time, while another  needs to be surrounded by loved ones.  My advice?  Feel the pain of the loss of your loved one the way you have to, and let those you love feel the pain the way they need to.

3.  Another piece of advice I hope you heed – don’t make life changing decisions at a time when you feel pain from the shock of losing someone close to you.  A knee-jerk reaction to the loss may be to immediately move or to even quit a job, but don’t do it!  Also, rushing out to buy a new vehicle or even an expensive piece of jewelry will not ease the pain.  Huge decisions need to be put on the back burner until you have digested what has happened to you.  You will be happy that you waited a bit to make any major changes (or purchases).

4. A final piece of advice – try not to obsessively talk about the person who has died.  For instance, you probably need to return to work, and you co-workers will feel sorry for your loss, but try to keep your discussion of the event to a minimum.  I am so thankful my co-workers sent cards; that shows me they understand the terrible loss I have suffered; however, I also know that they do not want to know every detail of how much the funeral cost or how much life insurance my mom had.  If you talk about it all the time, you will end up pushing your support system away.

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