People Pleasers Listen Up

As I sorted through piles of my deceased mother’s papers yesterday, I came across a quote that she had written down as she lay dying: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”  What a true statement, especially when it comes to healthy relationships. In order for any relationship to be successful, one must be true to himself or herself, and never become just a “yes” man (or woman).

After an Internet search, I found that this intriguing quote can be credited to actor/comedian Bill Cosby. Many may remember Cosby as the lovable dad on The Cosby Show, which ran from 1984 – 1992.  Although the family in the series enjoyed upper class status, they still had struggles in relationships that many could relate to, including sibling rivalry, teenage rebellion, and the like.  Although some may argue that the show didn’t portray reality, it still showcased family relationships at their best. 

As hinted at in Cosby’s quote, one must realize that in order to experience true and meaningful relationships, it is best to realize that there will be times when conflict arises. It is natural for people who love each other to disagree, and only through compromise, negotiation, and ultimately, respect for another’s view, can a healthy relationship blossom.

Those raised in dysfunctional environments, where it was not safe to express a different opinion, may find it extremely difficult to realize that it’s actually OK to not be a people pleaser.  In fact, many times people pleasers do not make friends or establish deep relationships, as they can’t be trusted to express what they are really feeling.  In essence, being agreeable and having no opinion in order to be accepted by others can actually backfire.

Think back to the Cosby show again. Remember, Clair, the wife of Cosby?  She portrayed a loving mother, a competent lawyer, and a feisty wife. She did not aim to people please; however, she experienced meaningful relationships with her family, friends, and colleagues. Of course the sitcom format of 30 minutes made it seem easy to resolve conflict quickly, but the focus on resolution should still serve as an example. Conflicts CAN be resolved, no matter how big or how small, if both parties work at it and wish to engage in a lasting relationship.

If you struggle with being a people pleaser, know that it is possible to change. Start small.  Assert your wish to go to a particular restaurant or to a favorite park instead of always doing what others want. After you feel comfortable doing that, learn to say no. Those you love will take notice, and slowly but surely they will see that your needs must be met as well.  You will begin to understand that relationships can be so much better when you can take off your people pleaser costume to reveal a real person underneath. Become who you are meant to be, as trying to please everyone will never give you what you need, a real relationship!

Thanks, Mom, for that wonderful relationship reminder!

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